Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
