Can Purell be used as lube?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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