I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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