I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
There r osticjed everywhere
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
