census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
