Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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