I haven't been this sober since birth.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
