People in love make me want to vomit
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I came so hard my ears popped.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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