I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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