I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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