Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
