K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
