meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
