4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
