I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize