Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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