Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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