No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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