i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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