how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
