No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
