im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
