I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
