Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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