Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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