the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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