You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
