A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
