Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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