Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
