I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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