Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
