I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
