You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
