I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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