i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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