my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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