Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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