so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Randomize
