I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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