He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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