Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
