I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
