We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
