Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
