you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
