jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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