I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
