Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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