Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
