so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
