guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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