Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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