you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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