Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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