My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
